Last weekend's two days of life without internet started out fine. I woke up early on Saturday and apart from an automatic twitch toward my phone, which I resisted, I didn't think about it again for a long time. I had a lot of work to get done in my apartment, removing chaos and cleaning and making it relaxing again. I made a good start at that, and I also did some incidental packing because it made sense to do them at the same time.
Saturday afternoon I talked to my sister, who is too far away and whom I miss, for a long time. She's having a baby in 5 weeks and I hate that I can't see her.
I took a wholesale order to RR#1 (if you're local, go have a look at all the new goodies), and then I went back to cleaning and listening to Nick Cave for a while. After a certain amount of Nick Cave, I inevitably want to watch Wings of Desire, so I did. All the way through, just sitting, with subtitles, without working while I watched. It's one of my favorite films, and that felt amazing.
There were two incidents of Nutella-on-spoon, {Tutorial: Open jar. Apply back of spoon to Nutella. Lick Nutella off in layers until spoon is clean. Repeat as necessary.} and I went to bed not too late and read for about an hour. I'm reading On the Road by Jack Kerouac right now, and I'm not actually enjoying it very much. Parts of it spark up with loveliness, but I'm experiencing a heavy dislike of almost everyone in it. I didn't want to read that after Wings of Desire, so I picked up The Heart of the Matter by Graham Greene, which I bought on Friday afternoon. He's one of my favorites and can be trusted not to flavor me in an unwelcome way.
Sunday was harder. I had a massage first thing in the morning. I really, really needed it, and still I fought it. I cried. It was awkward, but eventually a good release. After that, I felt completely lost and my mind wouldn't shut off, but was going in those slow useless circles that happen after a massage. Again and again I wandered over to the desk to check email, only to remember what I was doing. So I walked a mile in a torrential thunderstorm to the theatre to see The Avengers, because there's no crying in The Avengers, and because Tony Stark's computers make mine look pointless. That was really excellent fun, and was the closest I came all weekend to being fully present in the moment.
After that, a nap and then I spent the evening with friends watching the new episode of the BBC's Sherlock Holmes (also really excellent fun).
I ended the weekend feeling like it hadn't been long enough. The to-do list got checked off, and I enjoyed myself and relaxed and caught up with people I love; but I never succeeded in disconnecting entirely or turning my head off. Nothing seems able to accomplish that completely right now. Working out comes close, and I may be using that like an addict at present, but I'm never all the way in whatever I'm doing. There's the move to think about, and my new nephew on the way, and my grandfather's illness, and what I'm going to do with the business over the summer and during the move, and all the other things that make up a life, wonderful and welcome as they are.
I feel like I need to do this again for a longer stretch, maybe after school is out in June. I used to find it easy to be alone, and to inhabit a single space and thought. My life now is healthier and more full than it was when that was simple, but I miss the ease of that quiet. My quiet now is hard-won, and needs practice.
2 comments:
you know, it has been pretty much since i joined etsy that i crossed the line in feeling that i needed to be constantly available online. it got worse when i was given an ipod touch for my birthday in 2008, and reached its zenith with the acquisition of my smart phone 2 years or so ago. so much time is spent distracted, not paying real attention to anything. i have always been a multi-tasker, trying to do as many things at one time as i couldn't manage. about a month or so ago, the constant blinking and pinging of email notifications was getting to me, so i turned it off. i felt relieved! i find myself looking at the computer for something to happen when it's on in the background, i make myself close it, and put it away. sometimes i don't look at any of it for hours or days. i feel guilty about not feeling guilty about it.
i keep reading bout internet diets and sabbaths. i think that they are a good idea. i also think that we should be allowed to take the time away when we need it; a mental health day (hour). it is uncomfortable, but we forget to take care of ourselves sometimes at the whims of perceived others. we miss you, but we know you will be back.
When I feel as you do now, I find it helpful to go to a place where internet (and sometimes phones) aren't available to me. That helps shut my mind down. It's a different kind of denial because you simply can't be connected and instead of telling yourself not to, you just do other things because you must. The change of scenery might also be helpful for you and give you a bit of a retreat. XOXOXOX
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